Wednesday morning dawned foggy and overcast here. I was on my way to work, just cresting a small hill on my favorite rural two-lane, or as I like to call it, the "Cow Path," when I noticed a small Ford tractor parked in a driveway off to my left. Right now I have the use of my brother-in-law's Farmall for mowing and hauling around the farm but I've thought it would be nice to have a tractor of my own, especially if someday he takes his back. I glanced at the "For Sale" sign on the Ford and noticed that it came with implements, but I couldn't tell which ones it had. And the price was only $2750, which was a lot less than I thought it would be because people love those small Fords. Out of the corner of my eye I caught something moving in the road.

GAAAAAA!!! It was a deer! And not just any deer but a great big six-point buck. He'd bounded out of a cornfield and didn't seem to care that I was closing on him. Fast. I stomped the brakes hard, launching my lunch off the passenger seat and scaring the bejeebers out of the guy in the Subaru behind me. The deer didn't even turn his head. He just made a great gallop and was across the road and gone in the wink of an eye. I only missed him by about a second, narrowly avoiding turning my truck into yet another highway statistic.

The county in Michigan where I live leads the whole U.S. in car-deer accidents. In ten years our white-tailed neighbors have cost me one car and inflicted serious damage on another. And it's a pretty safe bet that had I T-boned that buck, my insurance company would have given me the replacement value of my truck in a desk calendar with my agent's name on it and one of their big USA Road Atlases.

Almost forty years ago our nation put a man on the moon. What have our best brains done since then? What have they brought us that matches the Saturn V rocket? Mood rings and Rubik's Cube? I think we should lure those great scientists, physicists and physiologists out of mothballs, dust off their pocket protectors, and put them to work at engineering some high-tech ways to crash-proof  the deer population. Not being a cerebral slouch myself, I've already concocted several ideas which I will offer to the cause gratis, without any hope or expectation of recompense. They are:

Blaze Orange Buckskin - One of the biggest problems that deer have is that their natural tan coloring blends in so well with harvest-time cornstalks and roadside weeds. You can't see them until you're right on top of them. Perhaps scientists could develop genetically-altered corn. When deer eat it, the kernels would secrete a chemical that would cause their coats to turn orange. Farmers would only have to plant a few of the outside rows on their fields with it to induce a temporary, harmless pigment change in their local deer herds. A side benefit of this crop would be greatly-increased visibility at a time when it's needed most: Hunting Season.

Spandex Deer Vests - If people harbor fears of creating Frankenfood with all its unpredictable effects, why not develop a line of reflective vests like road workers wear? Conservation Officers and Game Wardens could trek the springtime woods, seeking out tiny fawns just after they're born. They'd snap a durable, scent-free vest on the newborn and the incredible Spandex material would stretch as the deer grew, ensuring a high degree of visibility and safety as well as outstanding midriff support.

Deer-Luring Deer Crossing Signs - Deer don't pay any more attention to "Deer Crossing" signs than little boys pay to signs that warn of wet paint. And when the smaller signs are added, the ones that say "NEXT 7 MI," they only mean that if you let your guard down in the next ten minutes some unlucky whitetail is going to become a hood ornament. My signs would draw deer to pre-designated, high-visibility stretches of road by employing the same enticements hunters use: food and sex. Version One would be stocked daily with carrots. Special sensors in the signs would detect which side of the road a deer was on and calculate its rate of travel and the likelihood of it crossing the road. As the deer drew near, the sign would detect oncoming traffic and either drop a carrot or launch it across the road, causing the deer to pause for a snack as traffic passed safely. Version Two would have an option to calculate the size of the deer and, upon detecting a buck, douse the nearby ground with doe estrus, thereby holding the buck's attention until the road was clear.

Outward-Facing Airbags - Sometimes, in spite of man's best efforts, a deer will wander willy-nilly into the path of a speeding car. At times like these, the Outward-Facing Airbag will be nature's best friend. In mere microseconds, before the vehicle's bumper has even swept the deer off its feet, the OFA will deploy and envelop the animal in a tough, durable, tranquilizer-laced vinyl sac. Interfaces in the car's computer system will apply the brakes, trigger the hazard flashers and steer the car to the nearest wide shoulder of the road, where the drowsy deer can be safely disgorged to finish its nap. The now-flaccid bag would be detached, stuffed in the trunk and taken to a state-certified service garage to be repacked, recharged, and re-installed. Most insurers will gladly include the service in their Comprehensive coverages, as soon as they realize what they'll save over the cost of today's car-deer accident claims.

Some may call these ideas the random ramblings of a certifiable loony. And perhaps my suggestions aren't feasible today. But at some time in the future, after our best and brightest have overcome the engineering problems, you may see what appears to be a large orange road worker with a lascivious look in his eye, dreamily munching a carrot by the side of the road. And when you do, remember this article and be grateful.