A Field Guide To Highway Drivers

A guide to help identify, classify, and aid in the avoidance

of various species of motor vehicle operators

Greetings, fellow commuters! It is indeed an adventure to traverse America's interstate highway system. Perhaps you've identified patterns of behavior among different groups of drivers as you've made your way along the great concrete ribbon. They can be amusing, bewildering, annoying, or outright terrifying. And yet, there has never been a guide that categorized these behaviors.

Until today.

Not long ago, due to a job change, my commute extended from a mere twenty-minute hop to a full one-hour odyssey between major cities. A sensible man night have packed up his belongings and moved nearer to his new job. Alas, I happen to like living where I am, so I've consigned myself to two hours of commuting each day.

This extended bit of travel time has allowed me to observe my fellow drivers in different environments. When I began commuting, my daily trip was nearly all Interstate. Early on I noticed a striking similarity of commuters' driving habits to those of NASCAR drivers. One car follows another incredibly closely, as if drafting. Another makes a sudden charge, breaking free of the pack and screaming down the off-ramp like Dale Jr. charging for the Finish Line. As I traveled the Interstate, I observed that the only things differentiating the real race cars from those being driven as such were safety gear and a lot of really cool decals.

Thankfully, before the red flag came out, my company moved its offices to a new building. I began scouting new routes to work, settling on one that leads me down two fairly-quiet two-lane highways, giving me only the briefest of intervals on the Interstate. However, since the behaviors are more pronounced on four-lane divided highways, I'll confine my discussion to that environment.

To begin, here are a few terms I've developed to differentiate between various species of drivers:

Doofus: Doofuses are divided into two categories. Slow-lane Doofuses drive significantly below the "speed limit," which is a suggested rate of speed for the travel lane and is actually observed by some drivers. They drive slowly when there is no apparent reason to do so. Fast-lane Doofuses are those who dare to travel at less than 80 miles per hour in the passing lane.

Moron: Morons closely follow Fast-lane Doofuses, usually at a distance of less than 75 inches from the Doofus's bumper.

Jerk: Typically an aggressive Moron. These are usually easy to spot by their use of flashing lights, horns, and hand signals. Less common are the Passive Jerks, usually found in the right lane paralleling an on-ramp. Passive Jerks refuse to move into the passing lane to let entering traffic in for any reason. They are highly sought by operators of charter bus lines.

Each of the above may be classified as Leading, Trailing, or Lateral, depending upon its relative position to one's vehicle. There is no iron-clad rule linking membership in any of the aforementioned species to the size, weight, or horsepower of the vehicle driven by that member. However, some do exhibit dominant traits. Slow-lane Doofuses are frequently found in large trucks, earth-toned four-door sedans, or older imports in need of hospice care. Jerks occasionally show up in very large trucks, although they tend toward larger automobiles and SUVs. The last point is especially noteworthy. The size of the vehicle driven by a Jerk seems to be inversely propotionate to the size of the motorist. Thus, a petite woman in an Escalade and a linebacker in a Crown Victoria can exhibit equivalent Jerk tendencies.

Doofuses, Morons, and Jerks tend to travel in packs. Packs are differentiated by vehicle size:

Trains: A Train is a group of three or more cars driven by Morons, usually led by a Fast-lane Doofus. Trains can appear at any time of day but are most often observed during high-density morning-travel hours. A Doofus enters the passing lane and is joined in short order by a number of Morons. The Train will travel at well above the average traffic rate, compressing slightly as Morons edge closer together. Occasionally a Moron in a Train will tap his brakes a little too hard, creating a Traffic Advisory (not described herein).

Walls: Walls consist of four or more 18-wheelers driven by Slow-lane Doofuses. The trucks travel so closely together that one can't duck in between them to avoid being run down by a Moron, Jerk or Train.

The ranks of each of the species can swell or recede from the population of average drivers. A slight bit of inattention while passing slower traffic can instantly leap an average driver into the ranks of Leading Fast-Lane Doofuses. Spontaneous inter-species mutations are also common. Inobservance of slower traffic ahead may move a driver, one who was barely passable as a Lateral Moron seconds before, directly to the Jerk family. And his mother, too.

There is one trait that is common to all species: Territorial Possessiveness. It is seen in Lateral Passive Jerks, Leading Doofuses, and Morons of all classes. It is the unshakable belief that one's territory extends to The Whole Freakin' Road and one may do exactly as one pleases on the real estate he occupies. Frequent territorial disputes break out as Trailing Jerks crowd nearby Fast-lane Doofuses or Morons; occasionally a Jerk will actually attempt to hammer through a hapless Moron, particularly when the two are in a Train next to a Wall. In rare instances this causes the Moron to attempt an "Ohshdijouseethat," the highly-dangerous but exciting act of forcibly extracting one's vehicle from a Train and racing for a nearby off-ramp while attempting to pass through a Wall.

You'll undoubtedly observe other interesting behaviors among the local driver species of your area. You may want to start a Life List, similar to those used by birdwatchers, to record the antics and activities abundant in your local area. You may even discover a yet-undocumented driver species. Please feel free to use this Field Guide to begin your new hobby. Happy Watching, and by all means drive carefully.